By Jack Kelly
President Donald Trump is sick and tired of the doctor nerds like Anthony Fauci. He’s not down with all of the scientific mumbo-jumbo. Although Trump seems to have taken a liking to “Debra” (Dr. Deborah Birx)—she’s the science geek with the cool collection of scarves and devotee of powerpoint presentations.
In a fit of frustration, Trump said that one shutdown is sufficient. “If the virus makes a resurgence, too f’n bad. America stays open! If you’re scared, you can stay home and cower like little b*tches.” Okay, I made up that quote, but it’s the Friday before a long weekend, so anything goes. Does a three-day weekend even matter now? Everyday is the same. I literally thought Wednesday was Tuesday this week. It’s like Groundhog Day, the movie. Each day kind of weirdly repeats itself.
Democratic presidential contender, former Vice President and personal-space invader Joe Biden said on a CNBC interview that the U.S. economic recovery from coronavirus is a “long way away.” Biden also said he’d “repeal the $2 trillion tax cut for folks making over a million bucks a year” and hike the corporate tax rate to 28%. Biden also called for an infrastructure overhaul of our bridges, tunnels and highways, as well as other job-creating measures.
Then, things got weird when he sniffed the hair of his interviewer and complained that even though things are tough, we’ll get out of the Great Depression and beat those gosh-darn Nazis and win World War II. Then, Biden promised we’ll go back to listening to our favorite Benny Goodman records and do the jitterbug. It was a little awkward that the host had to remind him that we’re actually in 2020.
Biden called out Amazon and demanded that the company start paying taxes and “play the game fairly.” He added, “I don’t think any company, I don’t give a damn how big they are…should absolutely be in a position where they pay no tax and make billions and billions and billions of dollars.” Biden then demanded a typewriter to send a stern note to that young whippersnapper Steve Jobs, the head of Apple, to complain.
My kids are home from college, as their schools are closed (and I’m still paying rent for an apartment in Philly, plus two tuitions for online courses). Since they’re trapped indoors, we have family bonding time. Last night, we watched a nice wholesome movie to jumpstart Memorial Day weekend and the official start of summer—Jaws.
It was filmed about 40 years ago and serves as an amazing allegory to what’s happening today. If you don’t remember the film, it takes place in a small, quaint New England beach town. During the summer, visitors swarm all over the place. The townsfolk are happy, as they earn all of their profits for the year during this season—unless there’s a shark. Well, wouldn’t you know it—there is a shark and his name is Bruce.
Some poor unsuspecting teenager was eaten by the shark. The mayor, who sports a rad Vineyard Vines, eclectic, blue sports jacket and chain smokes (it’s the 70s), claims that it wasn’t a shark that ate the kid. It was a propeller from a boat. The newly arrived police chief from New York City (which was a dirty, crime-ridden, nearly bankrupt city in the 1970s) Roy Scheider didn’t believe the mayor, but pretended he did, so as not to make waves.
Richard Dreyfuss, the guy who was in Close Encounters, arrived in town. He was a young 20-something “rich college boy” and some sort of fish or ocean doctor. Dreyfuss told the fancy-clad mayor that it was a Great White Shark and you can tell by the teeth marks. The mayor didn’t want Dreyfuss, but reluctantly changed his mind after a few more kids were eaten up by the shark.
The mayor still wanted to pretend and act like everything was fine. Keeping the beaches and stores open was his mantra. The cop and the shark doctor were all, “No way! Everyone will be eaten by the shark!” and “Are you crazy? You must shut the beaches and get everyone out of the water!” See, I told you there are parallels to what’s going on now! You can’t make this stuff up. I swear, it’s a true story that I watched the movie the other night!
Fast forward, the fish doctor and cop, along with a creepy fisherman, hunt down the dreaded shark. Spoiler alert: the creepy fisherman gets bit in half and dies painfully. The shark gets blown up by the fish doc and cop, who both make it back safely to shore. I’m not sure how this part relates to now. Maybe it means Covid-19, our shark, gets blown up and someone gets eaten?
Is it really a holiday weekend when you’re stuck inside and almost all of the restaurants and businesses are closed? We’re back to the 1970s. The beach towns in New York, New Jersey and Long Island, where I live, are the center of controversy. The same holds true for Florida, Southern California and other places with beaches. So, if you’re in the land-locked midwest, you could bail out of the story now.
If you run a business in a beach town, this is the start of the season where you earn all your money and profits. Now, you’re faced with a dilemma. Do you open the beach—I mean stores or keep them closed? If you open up the beaches and all of the surrounding stores, there’s a risk of people catching the coronavirus and spreading it to others. If you close down all of the shops, the business owners may go bankrupt and all of the workers will lose their jobs. It’s not an easy decision.
We’ll soon see how this all plays out. Try to have a happy Memorial Day weekend, despite all of the challenges we’re facing. Hopefully, we’ll blow up the shark, nobody gets eaten and life gets better for all of us.
*This is parody, sort of. No sharks were injured in the writing of this article.