Today We Feel The Bern, The Fed Cuts Rates, Stocks Sink and Flavor Flav, Mayor Pete and Senator Amy Klobuchar Get Kicked To The Curb

Today We Feel The Bern, The Fed Cuts Rates, Stocks Sink and Flavor Flav, Mayor Pete and Senator Amy Klobuchar Get Kicked To The Curb

By Jack Kelly

The Dow dropped almost 1,000 points after the Federal Reserve Bank cut interest rates. In an effort to relieve anxiety over the Coronavirus and its economic impact, the Federal Reserve Bank cut interest rates by 0.50%. The move was made after an emergency meeting was held with international central bankers. This group of bankers, the G-7, agreed to coordinate fiscal and monetary policies to deal with any economic slowdowns that could create a global recession. Basically, as a non-economist, I believe the move was made to ensure that there is enough money in circulation to avoid any possible problems.

The U.S. stock market first rallied on the news, then gains were quickly given back. Many investors viewed the emergency cut as a sign that the US economy may get into big trouble because of the virus outbreak.

A statement from the Federal Reserve bank affirms that the “fundamentals of the U.S. economy remain strong” but that the coronavirus “poses evolving risks to economic activity.” Fed Bank Chairman Jerome Powell said the coronavirus is a “material change” to the Fed’s economic outlook and required the rate cut. Due to the rapid selling of stock, nobody seemed to have much confidence in Powell.

In a more important matter, old-school hip-hop rap group Public Enemy announced that after 35 years they’re cutting out Flavor Flav—the guy with the big clock on his chain. The divorce was over politics. Mr. Flav claims that he was fired over sending a cease-and-desist letter to Bernie Sanders over using his music. Flav is against supporting any particular candidate.  

Public Enemy has a different story to tell. They allege that the group “did not part ways with Flavor Flav over his political views.” Public Enemy claims that “Flavor Flav has been on suspension since 2016 when he was MIA from the Harry Belafonte benefit in Atlanta, Georgia,” and was basically a pain in the as$ to deal with according to the statement signed by members Chuck D, DJ Lord, Jahi, James Bomb and Pop. I hope that this does not have any repercussions on the economy which may require another rate cut.

Speaking of internal bickering and treachery, just like Flavor Flav was unceremoniously kicked out of the band, Mayor Pete, Senator Amy Klobuchar and hedge fund weirdo Tom Steyer coincidently all decided to drop out of the presidential race. All three were sort-of moderates competing against ex-Vice President and supposed best buddies with Obama, Joe Biden. It’s pretty obvious that the powers that be in the Democratic party are afraid of Senator Bernie Sanders and are trying to pull a Flavor Flav on him, just like Hillary Clinton did in the last election. 

One beneficial side-effect of the Coronavirus is that we’re learning a lot about what’s really going on in China. Evidently they are an authoritarian dictatorship that doesn’t care too much about the environment, health and safety issues, intellectual property rights and eating dogs and cats. It seems like a very unpleasant place. This is not even the worst part, although there is very little worse than eating dogs and cats. 

It’s been reported that thousands of Muslims—many formerly from “re-education” camps—in China are used as “forced labor.” Allegedly, Chinese factories that conduct work for corporations include Apple and Nike.

The Australian Strategic Policy Institute identified 27 plants where Uighur Muslims have been sent to work. The factories claim to be in the supply chains of at least 83 global brands, making products from Nike sneakers to iPhone cameras. 

It looks like Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey may get the Flavor Flav treatment too. An activist hedge fund is trying to push Dorsey out the door. They claim that Dorsey can’t hold two CEO jobs (one at Twitter and the other with Square), spend hours a day meditating, planning a six months move to Africa all at the same time. Evidently, they’re not a big fan of multi-taskers.

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